Thank you Mr. Machin for your letter.
The Complaints Committee takes every issue very seriously and looks at all the details very closely.
After interviewing several of our players we noticed a pattern forming. One of our players mentioned that you starred in the hit TV show Ramming in Rainford were you and your buddy Dazza cruise the streets of Rainford in a vintage Morgan Roadster, dressed to kill with a checkered cravat and peak cap. The filming of this show takes up most of the day and at your age you need to rest. We strongly recommend Monday night coaching sessions to get you in shape and dropping out of this show allowing JK and his nurse to replace you.
Once again thank you for taking part in the summer league.
Next season a quick payment to NedKelly#swissgold would guarantee a better average ' Ask George '.