It was C’s versus D’s on Wednesday night ... and it was the last derby match of the season at the Waddington Care Home.

 

Gordon (local legend) Wood was injured so the D’s needed a substitute ... and the C’s invoked the little used Waddy Same Name Rule ... whereby you can only play a replacement with the same first name ... the rule is designed to help the older players so they don’t have too many names to remember ... luckily Gordon Imrie was available to fill in. 

 

Just prior to kick off D team captain Nick Foss was heard to say “Without Gordon Wood playing there is a chance that I might get home on the same day I set off”.

 

Everyone wanted to know why Nick Foss was wearing the captains armband? It wasn’t clear why Uncle Ray Hibbs wasn’t available ... was he away on holiday or did he just not want to miss an important episode of Corrie?  Luckily Dave (lesser local legend) Mullan was available to step up from the E team.  So the game got underway between the two D’s and two E’s versus the four C’s.

 

The night was full of thrust and parry ... it was a case of derby do or die ... every point was scrapped for ... there were occasional wild shots ... punctuated by classy winners worthy of a YouTube video clip ... immediately followed by wild applause from the crowd.  When I say crowd I actually mean that the none playing Gordon ‘chopping’ Wood had turned up to commentate on the game ... he was a composite of Eddie Waring, John Motson and Harry Carpenter ... none of them know a thing about table tennis by the way.

 

One of the teams was at home and one was away ... working this out was important so that you could shout “heads or tails” at the right the person. But deciding heads and tails was nothing in comparison to umpiring the dementia doubles ... Colin (lethal backhand) Files sat in the chair and was already regretting it halfway through the first game.

 

Ian and Frank (C’s) played the two E’s that we’re playing for the D’s (Dave and Gordon) ... the regular questions cropped up ... who’s serve is it ... I’ve just served to you ... have I had one or two serves ... what day is it?  At 2-1 to the D’s and with an early lead in the fourth we were all relaxed ... but no, the C’s came back and we were faced with the nightmarish possibility of a fifth set where they changed ends at five ... and changed servers ... imagine Terry & June playing Cannon & Ball and you’ll get the picture.

 

At 5-4 to the D’s the last doubles was played and the Christine’s/Colin combo took it for the C’s ... to make it a well balanced five-five draw. Dave Mullan took the PoM award and also walked away with the best dressed sports personality award ...  not often do you see the Southport away kit worn with such finesse.

 

It was only 11.15pm when Christine unveiled the egg mayo sandwiches ... and there were a few pork pies for good measure ... Frank spilled a pint and the barmaid mopped it up ... it is reassuring to know that gender stereotypes are still alive and well at Waddy.

 

The last word went to Christine in the Radio Five Live post match interview ... “the club managed to lose or break five balls during the night ... so we may have to increase annual subs to Ten Guineas”.

 

A good night had been enjoyed by all at the Waddy Care Home.     Martin Machin