Match Report
The Smash team coach pulled into the Heinz car park on a windswept Wigan Wednesday night. The normal throng of Dave Bennett groupies were not crowding around the entrance so we instinctively knew something was awry.
It was transfer deadline night and there was no sign of Dave Bennett ... so the Bennetteers hadn’t come out tonight ... instead they sat in front of their TV, moist eyed, watching Sky Sports News ... was their beloved Dave leaving Heinz in an eleventh hour deal?
Rumours that he had been seen at the Rainford training ground last week were confirmed ... “but this was just to buy a new bat off Topspin Mick” said Bennett earlier in the day. Other sources had also seen him in Leigh, which is known to be his old stomping ground from his working days at Rumbelows. Calls were repeatedly made to Chris Garfin to validate the story but they just connected to his voicemail ... would Dave Bennett be turning out in a Leigh Kit next week?
Once in the Heinz Arena it was clear that his team mates Alan ‘removal man’ Pickford and Gentleman Jim Brookes were also bemused ... why was Dave Bennett a no show? At around 7pm a slightly nervous looking Linda Bennett showed up clutching a note ... was this the dreaded news ... had the transfer gone ahead. Once more we were witness to fake news ... Linda Bennett (aka Mrs Bennett) was actually delivering a sick note.
Alan ‘removal man’ Pickford headed straight to the Heinz Admin Block and spoke with HR ... Dave Bennett had a sick note just before Christmas so this was a second absence within a month. Upon examining the Heinz Players Handbook it only took Alan a couple of minutes to find Rule 21b, which clearly states ...
Players must notify the team captain 24 hours before a game if they cannot play and not hide behind the apron strings of their wife/mother*
(*delete where not applicable)
The Heinz chaps attempted to negotiate a loan deal for Keith Dootson to come from Hindley St Peters ... they tried to get this sanctioned from the league secretary (Sandra Moss) but she was on a Cruise Ship somewhere in the Caribbean ... there was proper pandemonium when Jimmy Brookes tried to work the fax machine to get Keith Dootson’s loan deal sent through to Wigan League HQ ... it was not to be.
So they sought guidance from the Heinz Process Manual and section 17 stated ‘when faced with a problem not covered in this manual you can use your own initiative’ ... this caused some consternation as initiative was in short supply ... luckily Keith Dootson had already set off on his mercy dash from Hindley to Heinz ... when he arrived he offered to simply ‘play up’ for one match.
But there was still the outstanding issue of the disciplinary offence ... Dave Bennett was playing fast and loose with the rules and using Mrs Bennett as cover. The big question was whether this satisfied the definition of Gross Misconduct as described in the Club Handbook.
In the meantime social media was going crazy ... rumours of last minute transfer deals abounded .... a Mawdesley/Bennet straight swap was favourite ... but Leigh had looked at the recent fitness record of Bennett and turned this down ... he was nicknamed sick note Bennett on Facebook and this reference probably helped to scupper the move to LSG ... other swap deals were touted so something had to be done ... there was only one choice left to Alan and Jimmy ... they had to enter the Twittershpere to put an end to all this gossip.
They put down the Heinz Process Manual ... put away the Club Handbook ... the User Guide for the Fax Machine was tossed into the bin ... and they tried to get onto Twitter via Alan’s Nokia 3310.
Luckily a light was still on in the Heinz HR Department ... and Alan was still well connected in Head Office ... HR did their job ... they put out a Tweet to calm the nerves of the anxious Bennetteers ... they put a stop to all the chit-chat. Rumours of Dave Bennett’s transfer had been greatly exaggerated ... he was unwell, but he would be staying. The absentee issue would have to wait. With the immediate problem resolved we could get on with some table tennis.
Smash won 21-16, Jimmy Brookes was Man of the Match and Mighty Joe got home safely.
It was transfer deadline night and there was no sign of Dave Bennett ... so the Bennetteers hadn’t come out tonight ... instead they sat in front of their TV, moist eyed, watching Sky Sports News ... was their beloved Dave leaving Heinz in an eleventh hour deal?
Rumours that he had been seen at the Rainford training ground last week were confirmed ... “but this was just to buy a new bat off Topspin Mick” said Bennett earlier in the day. Other sources had also seen him in Leigh, which is known to be his old stomping ground from his working days at Rumbelows. Calls were repeatedly made to Chris Garfin to validate the story but they just connected to his voicemail ... would Dave Bennett be turning out in a Leigh Kit next week?
Once in the Heinz Arena it was clear that his team mates Alan ‘removal man’ Pickford and Gentleman Jim Brookes were also bemused ... why was Dave Bennett a no show? At around 7pm a slightly nervous looking Linda Bennett showed up clutching a note ... was this the dreaded news ... had the transfer gone ahead. Once more we were witness to fake news ... Linda Bennett (aka Mrs Bennett) was actually delivering a sick note.
Alan ‘removal man’ Pickford headed straight to the Heinz Admin Block and spoke with HR ... Dave Bennett had a sick note just before Christmas so this was a second absence within a month. Upon examining the Heinz Players Handbook it only took Alan a couple of minutes to find Rule 21b, which clearly states ...
Players must notify the team captain 24 hours before a game if they cannot play and not hide behind the apron strings of their wife/mother*
(*delete where not applicable)
The Heinz chaps attempted to negotiate a loan deal for Keith Dootson to come from Hindley St Peters ... they tried to get this sanctioned from the league secretary (Sandra Moss) but she was on a Cruise Ship somewhere in the Caribbean ... there was proper pandemonium when Jimmy Brookes tried to work the fax machine to get Keith Dootson’s loan deal sent through to Wigan League HQ ... it was not to be.
So they sought guidance from the Heinz Process Manual and section 17 stated ‘when faced with a problem not covered in this manual you can use your own initiative’ ... this caused some consternation as initiative was in short supply ... luckily Keith Dootson had already set off on his mercy dash from Hindley to Heinz ... when he arrived he offered to simply ‘play up’ for one match.
But there was still the outstanding issue of the disciplinary offence ... Dave Bennett was playing fast and loose with the rules and using Mrs Bennett as cover. The big question was whether this satisfied the definition of Gross Misconduct as described in the Club Handbook.
In the meantime social media was going crazy ... rumours of last minute transfer deals abounded .... a Mawdesley/Bennet straight swap was favourite ... but Leigh had looked at the recent fitness record of Bennett and turned this down ... he was nicknamed sick note Bennett on Facebook and this reference probably helped to scupper the move to LSG ... other swap deals were touted so something had to be done ... there was only one choice left to Alan and Jimmy ... they had to enter the Twittershpere to put an end to all this gossip.
They put down the Heinz Process Manual ... put away the Club Handbook ... the User Guide for the Fax Machine was tossed into the bin ... and they tried to get onto Twitter via Alan’s Nokia 3310.
Luckily a light was still on in the Heinz HR Department ... and Alan was still well connected in Head Office ... HR did their job ... they put out a Tweet to calm the nerves of the anxious Bennetteers ... they put a stop to all the chit-chat. Rumours of Dave Bennett’s transfer had been greatly exaggerated ... he was unwell, but he would be staying. The absentee issue would have to wait. With the immediate problem resolved we could get on with some table tennis.
Smash won 21-16, Jimmy Brookes was Man of the Match and Mighty Joe got home safely.
Written by: David Mawdesley
