Titans had beefed up their squad this season making them a title contender ... Ian (AKA Kenneth) Wolstenholme was a canny pre-season signing ... a champions league position looks nailed on for Titans but could they genuinely be in the title race ... the first match of the season would help answer that question.

Smash on the other hand had made no improvement to their squad ... complacency was their watchword ... their match strategy was to rely on luck, good fortune and the general rub of the green ... plus foul and abusive language to put their opponents off. They’d had moderate success in previous seasons with this approach so why change the formula?

Smash were resplendent in their new 2018 shirts ... and Titans were displaying their new 2018 shirts as well ... it was like a Sports Direct fashion show ... both replica shirts will be available for £19.99 on 5th October ... my advice would be to wait until 6th October when you will get two for a fiver.

Winter Fleece Wolstenholme, Pistol Pete and Nolan No 2 represented Titans whilst Ray ‘no nickname yet’ Hibbs, Mighty Joe and Scamperer represented Smash.

The complacency strategy was instantly working for Smash as they went 6-1 down after two games ... Kenneth Wolstenholme beat Ray in three ... immediately followed by Number Two Nolan taking Mighty Joe 3-1.

Pistol Pete took off his Man City track suit ... blue blood coursing through veins ... to reveal the RED shirt of Titans ... he looked a tad awkward in RED ... much mirth and merriment abounded ... some would go as far as to say we pissed ourselves laughing.  His hackles were up as he led 2-1 against Scamperer ... but as they both ran out of steam in a tight fifth set it was the Smash boy who took the spoils.

Titans summer signing Ian/Kenneth Winter Fleece Wolstenholme showed real class and control beating Mighty Joe ... then Ray stepped up to put three points on the board for Smash beating Pistol Pete ... Gabby Logan in the Sky Sports studio said “my goodness, look how red suits him ... it brings out the colour in his eyes whereas the pale blue makes him look a little washed out ... he looks so handsome in red ... it really is his natural colour”.

Smash, somewhat surprisingly, sprung into competent mode in the doubles ... and won in three ... game on ... scores on the doors were Smash 10, Titans 11. Old adversaries Nolan and Machin remained on the table and Nolan absolutely trolleyed him in the first two ... then a comeback in the third ... at 15-15 the tables turned as Scamperer took it 17-15 ... only for Nolan to win 3-1.

As we cantered into the final furlong the Titans got some good points on the board ... Red Libby beat Mighty Joe 3-1 in a close encounter. ... Winter Fleece beat Scamperer three nil and then we were treated to a five set finale ... Nolan was knocking the ball past Hibbs ... but more often than not Hibbs would return it ... only for Nolan to keep the rally going.

Hibbs looked favourite when he aced Nolan with his new serve ... the ball is served into the edge of the table on your own side ... it balloons up in the air ... over the net ... then spins back onto your side of the table without the opponent laying a bat on it ... at last the tactic of luck, good fortune and the rub of the green was working, Hibbs winning 3-2.

Final score 22-15 to Titans ... Kenneth Wolstenholme was MoM ... played nine, won nine.  In the Five Live phone-in Kenneth Wolstenholme was asked about his Winter Fleece ... “People ask does it itch, they think it’s a pull-over, it is new”.

But the red shirt had proved too much for Pistol Pete ... he was ranting ... and whilst he was being sedated Mighty Joe made a swift getaway wearing a discarded Man City track suit.