Fifteen minutes before kick off Nick the Knife was driving through Ashton town centre on his way to the game ... the traffic had come to a standstill ... a worried man got out of his car wearing his tracksuit with the name ‘Wigan Table Tennis Club’ on the back ... Gary Chambers had had a prang and wouldn’t be playing for Wigan Wolves that night ... he was ok, but his car certainly wasn’t ... Nick didn’t stop to help the police with their enquiries ... nor did he stop to help Gary ... instead he carried on his way ... not even a crash could stop him getting to Platt Waz ... they don’t call him Nick the Knife for nothing.
Just seconds before the first ball was struck Joe Kennedy was sat in his own front room settling in to watch Corrie ... he’d had a Chicken Korma for tea and was on his second pint of Carlsberg Special Brew ... he thought to himself “didn’t I have something on tonight?” ... yes Joe, you are due to play for Smash v Chasers in two minutes.
The everyday Joe Kennedy quickly morphed into Mighty Joe the Table Tennis legend ... jumped into his JoeMobile and arrived at Platt Waz just in time to see Nick Foss beat Billinge Bradbury ... Roy had knocked everything passed Nick to take the first but Nick adopted the tactic of long rallies to tire Roy ... eventually it worked ... he mercilessly wore his opponent out ... they don’t call him Nick the Knife for nothing.
Dazla set off well against Lubov the thwacking machine ... but the thwacks were misfiring ... 2-0 to Dazla ... then the thwacks found some form in the middle of the third and Lubov went on to win in five ... signs for the rest of the Smash boys were ominous once the thwacks find their rhythm.
When Mighty Joe beat New Boy Newton 3-1 the see-saw nature of the evening was firmly established. Dazla had a tussle with Roy before winning on five ... whilst Lubov and her thwack machine took out Mighty Joe in three straights. And Nick did his thing against New Boy Newton ... they don’t call him Nick the Knife for nothing.
In amongst all these singles matches there was a doubles match to play ... the Smash combo of Dazla and Nick took it in clinical style ... they don’t call him Nick the Knife for nothing.
Lubov and her thwack machine left straight after her last match, simply saying “sorry, Moscow” ... and moments later she was Russian out of the Platt Waz Arena. But not before she had beaten Nick in her final game ... they don’t call him Nick the Knife anymore.
Two to play ... and it was finely balanced at 16-13 to Smash ... Dazla (aka The Five Set Kid) played New Boy Newton and the Smash boy took it in the fifth. Then it was the ageless grace of Billinge Bradbury against Mighty Joe in the final game ... it was way past his bedtime but Billinge Bradbury pulled off a remarkable win 3-1 ... making the final score Chasers 18, Smash 20.
As he left the Platt Waz Arena Mighty Joe could barely believe his eyes ... his JoeMobile was on bricks ... he sat on the curb thinking how unlucky he was ... but, on reflection, not as unlucky as Gary Chambers.