Smash v Dragons ... here we go again ... the new season is upon us ... old friends meet up once more ... old adversaries rejoin old battles ... and old men talk the same old rubbish as they did last season at The Rainford Labour Club Stadium Arena of Light.
Enter the Dragons ... why haven’t we used that one before? Coming soon a film starring Bruce from Leigh.
Yes folks that’s how it’s going to be again this season ... lame jokes ... barely credible puns ... generally the same old stuff and nonsense. Over at Rainford we take a ‘save the planet’ approach to our Match Reports ... we recycle as much as we possibly can.
For the sake of clarity, and for the uninitiated, Smash are based in the parish of Rainford and Dragons hail from the parish of Leigh.
Smash had lost two key players in the summer transfer window ... Foss & Hibbs had moved to the new team Sandgrounders for an undisclosed sum ... word on the street was that their package included a company car and a pension, well outside the budget of Rainford Smash.
Smash had two new recruits ... Nick ‘Kraftwerk’ Roberts and Ian ‘Pimps Out’ Taylor ... they joined the Smash Scamperer in the Rainford trio. The Dragons threesome was Chris ‘Galeforce’ Garfin, David ‘Owdmon’ Mawdesley and Big Adam (previously known as Little Adam).
Pimps Out Taylor v Galeforce Garfin for the opener ... the summer change from smooth rubber to pimpled rubber was having its effect ... those deviously deceptive pimples gave Smash a good 3 nil starter. Then it was Owdmon Mawdesley v Kraftwerk Nick and we had a lovely five sets of contrasting styles with Kraftwerk knocking the skin off the ball whilst Owdmon elegantly won points with half volleys from corner to corner. 3-2 to Owdmon.
Big Adam and Scamperer had a cagey match that went down to the wire ... both had match points in a ding dong ping pong fifth set ... eventually won 15-13 by the Smash boy/man/OAP* (*delete where not applicable).
When Galeforce beat Kraftwerk in the next match it was 2-2 in games and 8-8 in sets ... nicely poised ... but Pimps Out Taylor was back on the table doing his black magic on Adam ... and when Smash won the doubles a gap was starting to open up. Following the doubles Owdmon and Scamperer had their ritual cat and mouse affair ... Smash were now leading 17-9 and the game was going their way.
Dragons needed a big performance ... Big Adam got up from his Chemistry homework ... he morphed into The Chemistry Kid defying the laws of physics with some of his big hits ... beating Kraftwerk 3-1. But it was a temporary reprieve as the Smash boys took the last two games in straight sets ... 24-12 to Smash on the night ... Pimps Out Taylor had won nine out of nine and took home the invisible man of the match trophy.
The Talk Sport guest pundit was Jeremy Corbyn ... “it was good to see the Dragons back in Rainford in terms of the match itself I think Dragons did well in the first half ... but made a Dogs Brexit of the second half”.
You couldn’t make it up.