THE GREAT NET SCANDAL

I was born with spina biffida and I suppose its a miracle I'm still playing table tennis and cricket but the treatment back in the dark ages entailed me having to have my head measured every month until I was about five or six. Then when I was a technician with Br Gas, I was putting together equipment for regulating gas pressures and they had to be precise and I was forever being haunted by officials with tape measures and rulers, so it's no surprise I have a morbid fear of men with rulers. I was just setting up the table on Tuesday night when Peter Woodland appeared and as I finished putting the net up he produced a ruler from his pocket, well we all carry one about don't we! I overcame my urge to leg it to the bar for a stiff drink and watched him measure the height of the net. 'It's a cm too low.' 'Well that's how it came Peter and there's no adjustment and it's the same for all of us. We've played with it for years and nobody has ever complained, so let's just get on with it.' He walked away complaining that we had an advantage playing with a net too low as we played with it every other week. Have you ever contemplated the height of a net when you're playing? Of course not. Anyway on with the game. Brian got us under way against Stuart and they had some great rallies but Brian was on form and saw him off in three sets. Me v Peter and I had been thinking a lot about how to play him as I had never beaten him before. I had decided to play down the centre and not give him any width at all to play that deadly forehand smash. I took the first set as when he had the odd chance of a smash he rushed it and missed. He stormed back in the second though as I set him up too often but in the next two sets I concentrated on playing either down the centre or switching occasionally to his backhand and once again Peter made too many errors and I just managed to hold him off in both sets. Ian made short work of Fred with the help of quite a few nets and edges and unforced errors from his opponent. I gave Stuart a decent game but he returns everything and I went down in three. Fred took a set off Brian but once the Hyde man regained his concentration there was only one winner as Brian got his backhand drives going. Ian had a stormer with Peter and when he dropped the first two sets I thought he'd blown it but back he came to take the next two and set up what should have been a tight fifth but no, Peter made far too many errors and the Barker backhand block and smash was on fine form and he took the fifth set comfortably. Fred is another player who I always struggle against and it looked like it was going to be the same as I lost the first set far too easily. A complete reversal though when I got to the other end as I found a serve he didn't like, landed some telling forehand drives and took the set. Fred did the same to me in the third as I completely lost concentration but back I came in the fourth as the same serve and drive tactic worked once more. The fifth was close but Fred made a few unforced errors and I just scraped home. After dropping the first set to Stuart, Ian then got his game together and they shared in some long rallies and although Stuart did some great retrieving Ian managed to put the final smash beyond his reach. The surprise of the night was Brian's surrender to Peter. Never before have I seen Brian look so puzzled by an opponent. He was either too long with his chops or they went into the net and he couldn't land a smash at all and Peter didn't miss one opportunity to put away his forehand drives. Ian and I capitulated to Fred and Peter in the doubles to give the scorecard a fairer balance of the night's play. Some excellent tennis tonight and a good win which we badly needed and good company but take heed. If Peter starts to tell you about his holiday in the States, make your excuses and do a runner, it goes on forever! I will try and get Father Christmas to bring us a new net.          Lee